Honor Yourself.

He will live, he will grow up, and he will even become the man you loved to a different woman. He will think of you sometimes, will wonder about you, will long for you again.

I will think of myself. I will wonder about my mental health and long for future spiritual growth. I will find my calling, and spend my days protecting my peace with the righteous wrath of God.

I so desperately want to focus on the 'I WILL' but it is the aching of the 'I AM' I need to deal with still.

My body creates a physical reaction at the thought of him now. What used to be butterflies, now pick apart at my insides like vultures in the desert heat. The smoothness of my skin suffers from a bass drum cacophony of large raised flesh. Acute anxiety has made itself a home here... has made itself visible in the stress hives I wear like fashion. I have become dependent on my epipen, because another violent episode will send me into shock and possibly my end.

I don't ever want to be so trauma-bonded to someone that I literally love them to MY death. I want to live, I long to live so much, but to do that I can't hold on to wild things...

I had to give-up the untamed parts of myself, the greedy part, the childish part, the broken part.

I had to stop focusing on the wronged parts and start acknowledging my strong parts.

When you honor yourself, and I do mean truly honor yourself; things like friendship and love become fluid. The way water turns to wine and takes the shape of you in my memory... that fluid.

When you honor yourself, lust language becomes lost in the translating of your love language. Words find themselves on pages still untouched by another; and that is where you find your roots, your value.

Years of wondering why so much of you had been unexperienced, only to later learn it would take a scholar to turn those deep intimate pages.

Discovering your honor means removing yourself from the war, you were a warrior battling demons long before you started fighting the hands that hold you at night.

Remember love is fluid, like blood bending under the full moon, without your honor, you have no control.

When you honor yourself, you will love deeply, love loudly, love purely... you will love genuinely.

You dishonor yourself when you label lust. Assign a number to your friendship and watch its place fade. There is no best or worst. My mistake has always been too deep for others to stand in. A key for you to make me laugh, a key for you to come and go at will, a key for him to find a home in me.

I had too many tenants and not nearly enough housekeepers. I dishonored myself when I blurred my boundary line and let them sully my sanctuary.

How will I honor myself tomorrow? How will I honor this temporary time on Earth?

I will honor the mirror, because the person starring back fully understands my story. That person is the one giving everything to ensure I don't suffer that pain again.

I will honor my strength, standing nose to nose with insecurity and believing it is no longer welcome in my temple.

I will honor my mistakes, it is okay to admit that being in pain can look a lot like being in love. It's okay to forget we're fluid.. a cement foundation starts wet. Start there and build your character.